MemeMachineGo!

A recent topic on a mailing list I'm on is strategies for failure. I wrote one about failing at writing, but I'd note that the basic ideas have wide application to other endeavors, especially other arts.

1. Take miserable care of your body, your
   relationships, your finances and everything in your life. Avoid
   anything that would make you happy — artists have to suffer.


2. 
   Understand that you can only possibly write with your mind is
   relaxed and untroubled by other concerns. So if there's anything else
   at all you 'should' be doing, do it instead. For greatest efficiency, just thrash and worry about what you should be doing instead
   of actually doing anything — that way you can endlessly reuse the
   exact same things!
   


3. You know it's impossible to make a living writing, so have a day
   job you hate that leaves you mentally, physically and emotionally
   exhausted. After work, you'll be in no shape to write, so have some
   ice cream and watch TV. You deserve it.
   


4. Invent endless constraints regarding under what circumstances you
   could get writing done. You need your own office. A special desk. A
   special pen. Absolute quiet. A certain computer. Spend more time
   complaining about the lack of these circumstances than actually
   writing.
   


5. You'll be able to get plenty of writing done when you're
   independently wealthy and have lots of free time. Just wait till
   then.
   


6. There are thousands of writing books. Better read them all before
   you start. One of them has got to have the secret. (Be sure to skip
   all the exercises.)
   


7. Let's face it, you don't know enough to be a writer. You've never
   even read [insert famous literary work here]. Better get to it, or no
   one will take you seriously.
   


8. Surround yourself with people who are jealous of your time,
   disrespect your writing and undermine you at every turn. If possible,
   marry one and have kids.
   


9. If you actually fail at all of the above, and actually sit down to
   write, make sure each word, each sentence is perfect before you move
   on — compare it to your favorite writers' published works (you don't
   think people with talent have to rewrite, do you?) and attack it with
   all the viciousness of your cruelest and bitterest teachers.
   


10. Give up as soon as it seems hard or you feel uninspired. After
    all, if it were real art, it would flow smoothly and be easy.
    


11. Whatever you do, don't finish anything. Just keep starting new
    fragments. (Any ideas prior to your latest suck anyway.) Or endlessly
    torture your existing manuscripts until you drain them of any vitality
    they might once have had.
    


12. If you do finish something, immediately share it with someone who
    can be counted on to tear it apart, tell you you're wasting your time,
    and imply you're an idiot for ever imagining you could write. Believe
    this person — s/he wouldn't say it if it weren't true.
    


13. Be sure you never actually submit your work for publication. Take
    the decision out of the editors' hands: reject it for them.
    


14. If a story gets rejected, don't send it anywhere else — obviously
    it was no good. In all likelihood, you aren't either: be sure not
    to pass up the opportunity to consider giving it all up.
    


15. If, in an extreme case of failing at the above, you've actually
    published something, know that it was just a fluke. Never ever
    believe in yourself.
    

Repeat as necessary.

Some of these, by the way, stem from observation and not experience.