Low-flow sexual orientation
=v= Yesterday I was on Flatbush Avenue, in Brooklyn, and saw some shiny new bike lanes on Dean Street, and then Bergen Street. I cheered inside (“Woo hoo!”), until my thoughts were rudely interrupted by the Pintchik Oracle
The Oracle is a big electronic billboard that displays cryptic comments, a bit like the one encountered in L.A. Story, except this one has a phone you can use to interact with it. You ask it a question and it displays the answer in huge letters above you, for all to see. (The Oracle’s brain trust is a writer in Brooklyn, but not Jonathan Lethem.)
When Not Jonathan Lethem is busy doing other things, the Oracle just displays random pithy comments. Which brings us to yesterday’s rude interruption: “Fuel efficiency is the new homosexuality.”
Imagine my surprise. I immediately realized that bicycling must therefore be totally gay, and these new bike lanes were proof that the right wing has good reason to obsess about governmental promotion of the bikesexual lifestyle. Somebody alert Rush Limbaugh! (When he gets out of detox, that is.)
Naturally, there must be a Kinsey Scale of energy efficiency. That very morning I’d showered with a low-flow showerhead, while entertaining fantasies of maybe a little more hot water. That would make me a Kinsey 5. A Kinsey 0 would, of course, use a firehose in a Humvee’s built-in shower room. (It’s just that sort of thing that makes Herr Gröpenführer such a paragon of heterosexuality.)
Now that I’ve been outed, I suppose I should band together with others of my inclination and start up an in-your-face energy efficiency movement. “We’re here! In gear! We’re bicyclists! Get used to it!”
=v= And might I add, my new movement would of course oppose Oil Wars and other massive perpetrations of injustice in the name of energy-inefficiency. We will be adopting tactics from Queer Nation, reknown for their French kissing and distribution of French letters. I figure we'll start out at one of those war-supportin' places that serve "freedom fries."
Posted by Jym on November 1 2003 10:30
As long as you practice safe biking. Today we watched another guy on a bike pretend he was not just a pedestrian but a jaywalking pedestrian. I watch for bikers even when there aren't many of them around, but I'd like for them to do their part, too -- just like I can't wear condoms on behalf of anybody else.
Posted by Mris on November 2 2003 13:19
=v= Now I have this mental image of you festooned with condoms. Eek! But don't worry, Gear Nation will of course promote safe biking, safe sex, safe flex (titanium bikes), safe hex (wrenches), and anything else that rhymes.
Posted by Jym on November 5 2003 18:16